narcissists are an elusive breed they are shapeshifters and the nature of the
disorder renders them alien a subspecies of cunning artificial intelligence their
ability to mimic human emotions is unsurpassed their charm sometimes
irresistible their thespian skills unequaled narcissists defy therefore
well-intentioned compilations of warning signs and batteries of psychological
diagnostic tests there is scarcely anything more painful than self delusion
the narcissus is a cardboard cutout the mere projection of a false self unable
to love empathize get intimate or commit loving the narcissus is an ink sin
exercise in protracted futility that invariably ends in heartbreak what you
see is never what you get the narcissus is a drug addict his psychological
survival is as a coherent functional whole depends on the attention he
Garner's often coerces from others he is a single-minded single purpose automaton
behind the elaborate facade of a human lurks avoid the only way to effectively
defend against a narcissist is to learn from the harrowing experiences of those
who fell prey to the narcissus advances and who were subsequently victimized by
him or her so you might recognize the verbosity of that beautifully written
quote that was a quote from Samvat news book malignant self-love and I believe
that it does a great job of explaining why it is that these channels like this
are popping up all over and why we as victims of narcissistic abuse are
compelled to watch them all we want the ball there can't be too much we want to
hear as many different people talking about this and we want to if we want
them to share their experiences we want to get their advice we love it when we
can see that there's men and women of all races and ages and cultures and
languages we love it it's very validating and for all of us who have
been victims of narcissistic abuse validation means the world and the
reason for that is because so many of us we didn't know we didn't know and in the
amount of time that we didn't know can be decades decades
people will question you people that have never been through this kind of
thing will question the validity of your claims would be like you know how can
you be an abuse victim and not know you know is it possible to not know
absolutely it's possible to not know it's ironic that people even ask you
that question because they don't know either their you know which is part of
why they're questioning it because they're looking at you and they're you
look the normal and find the person that you're talking about is a friend of
theirs or is someone that they would never have suspected so they didn't know
either absolutely it's possible to not know and
the reason for that is because you're indoctrinated you're indoctrinated from
from the beginning you know if you're if you're born into a situation like that I
do have a question for people that had grew up in really really healthy family
situations and had this one and then they got really sucked into this one
experience every time that that's happened that someone claims that that's
the case usually the more we get into it the more they realize that it wasn't the
first time that there was actually some narcissistic abuse going on in their
childhood either that or that the exception to that rule is that there was
some major loss right before this happened but the typical pattern is that
person won't know they won't know they'll have some kind of troubled
relationship with their family but they haven't identified it and on the surface
everything is fine they think it's normal they think that everybody has
problems with their mom or dad and this is just how it normally is and what
happens is they get into some relationship and it's usually been a
ratcheting up process where eventually they end up in a relationship so
destructive that they can't go on the world is now unfamiliar to them now all
of a sudden everything is shaken shaken to the core and the end up in therapy
they end up watching videos and then the light bulb starts coming on and they
start figuring out that there's other people that are telling stories that
sound just like their story you can't get enough of it you just gobble it up
but because you have had a lifetime of being denied this reality and now you
and an you are not used to trusting yourself binge-watch these videos is
because and is because aren't used to believing ourselves
we can't we're collecting evidence we're collecting evidence to make our case for
ourselves that what we believe what we experienced was really abuse and it
isn't just in our heads and we're not being something other than all the
things that we've been told to deny ourselves the reality of our situation
and a lot of it a lot of time it's for a lifetime I'm really amazed and impressed
by the people that able to identify in their 20s or even teens what's going on
that to me is such a hopeful hopeful thing hope that maybe part of the reason
they are able to identify what's going on is because we're talking about here
online you know people have seen the young people that were watching YouTube
ran across these videos and were like able to figure out oh this is what's
going on with my mom or my dad or this guy that I've been seeing or Channel you
know that I had a near-death experience and following a near-death experience
even even I'll get this even in your death experience even I'm
dying it further my husband who is letting me die and he's not jumping up
to help me he lets me drive myself to the hospital I'm still not cluing in
that there's something wrong with him okay I go to the hospital I have I have
had a 33 years old I look like the picture of health I'm not a smoker I'm
nothing and I've had a heart attack okay heartache has broken my heart literally
broken my heart I have a heart surgery and I have a complication because of the
heart surgery to literally bleed to death in front of my family there are
six people there that see this happening my grandparents and my father-in-law are
shattered they're just trying they beside themselves my two parents and my
husband got a tear not a tear and I still don't know that there's something
wrong I am even during the near-death experience during the near-death
experience God Himself or you know the universe tells me that I am surrounded
by people that do not love me and that if I don't go back to be with my
children they will grow up they will be orphans and no one will know it because
they're surrounded by relatives but no family
and it's the people that are surrounding me that is I know that to be true
dirt and I I cannot stand it I have to fight my way back I fight my way back
this is what saves my life I fight my way back to get back to my children
because I know that to be true and the minute that I get back I'm back in
denial about it and the reason for this is and it and let me back up I back in
denial and what happens is it proves to be true over the course of the next year
my life just gets dismantled by these people and in a couple of years there is
nothing left the life that I have survived I survived a near-death
experience I survived to come back and so that I could have the front row seat
to watching the people that I loved the most that I devoted my life to that I
needed more than now that ever before watch them dismantle and destroy and
steal my life and leave me nothing except for I have my two children which
they will not stop trying to take them from me and ultimately my fluent son has
died so then I went through all of that and even still even still I can't have
eight epiphanies every single day every single day and I still watch videos
myself and I and I got and of course I you're so ago I decided I needed to make
videos I needed to start talking about my story and sharing my story because
the one thing that is unique about my story is just the full extent the full
range experiences and the full range of relationships and just the absolute
places it took me and the amount that it drugged you know the amount that it took
from me and the highs and the lows of the roller coaster how far down it took
me and then how far up I have I have managed to climb and so that's why I
felt like it was it was a story I needed to share because also I've been very
quiet I've been required hadn't talked about
it with anybody the way to make something out of this horrible
experience and especially after losing my son was that I needed to share my
serve it could help even one person it was tell I was a case truly of denial
because that is where have the evidence but you don't know it
you really don't know it now it's very different from lying to yourself lying
to yourself is where you might be denying something but you're not in
denial you know denying and denial are not the same thing when you're in denial
it really you don't know it it's like and I was truly in denial about the
abuse that was going on and the reason for that I have you know since figured
out was that because the truth of it is so awful it's so awful right
Society tells us that our families love us our parents are supposed to love us
and as children our survival depends on them loving us and so we will make up
all kinds of reasons why what they're doing makes perfect sense and this is
how a trauma bond forms and trauma bonds are very very hard to break it is not
like love trauma bonds and bonds of love are not the same trauma bonds can stick
with you well after you don't love somebody well
ever you don't even like them but you're still trauma bonded to them and you know
and when these things start in childhood it's very difficult to break these bonds
you can even be aware that someone is is abusive to you and you could still be
trauma buds it's may were in a contest about being right about not having their
false reality messed with and all that it's quite there the person who ends up
being a victim of this they are we are not trying to be in a false reality we
want someone to confirm our reality confirm that we enter that we know
what's going on we're completely okay with the idea of being wrong so when
they tell us you're wrong I'm not right in fact we we want that to be true
because if it's not true then what is true is that they don't love us so how
much better is it to be wrong about whatever this thing is yeah okay I am
over emotional I am hard too I am hard to be around I am hard to love or it is
you know you are really wonderful parents and I am this ungrateful kid or
whatever it is because if that's not true then the truth is is so much worse
and so this is the other thing too you like I remember
my my mother talking about people wanted to go to therapy so they could blame
their parents for all the things wrong with their lives and and it it was
completely it's completely not true what what happens more times than not way way
more common is that we will go to bat for our abusers we will go to bat for
them for as long as we possibly can we will be we will be explaining away
justifying minimizing the abuse for as long as we possibly can and it is a
crushing day when we realize when we realize that we were abused we realize
that these people that we love so much and that we we care about so much didn't
love it possibly probably never loved us because they were incapable of love it
had nothing to do with us it was just the circumstances that we came into and
that is a crushing brutal day and it doesn't it's not a day it's a process of
many many days weeks months and years and it it's a slow process and that's
why we watch these videos and that's why channels are popping up every day and
that's why they're you know we can't get too much of it because we need to know
then what ends up happening is we get we do start getting addicted to knowing
addicted to knowing the truth and the truth is really truly the the cure for
trauma bond is the truth and is if you can stay in reality as much as possible
this is why my saying is embrace reality at all costs and it can feel like those
costs are enormous it can feel like they're just way too big a price to pay
but if you really think about it you're not really paying anything that wasn't
already lost it wasn't ever that you never really had it was an illusion to
begin with you can start to accept the fact it abuse will not stop in your life
until you embrace what abuse is and a base embrace that you were abused and
embrace that you deserved better and embrace and loveable and perfectly
worthwhile and worthy and all that and that all the things that they told you
about you being broken or to this or to that or were
wrong they were just wrong and they were manipulating and they were abusing you
and there is some freedom in that binging on YouTube videos is because you
know you're not alone and and there's enough people doing it now that you can
playing someone you're gonna identify with there's a wide range of people
doing videos now so you can find someone they identify with so as far as trauma
money goes I was a poster child for the trauma bond and I was supposed to child
for not knowing not knowing way past where it makes any sense not to know but
I didn't know I really didn't know and Pete that's how you repeat a piece if
you have not come to terms with that you were involved in abusive relationship
and you have a trauma bond form in abusive past you are definitely going to
be more comfortable in in those kinds of relationships until you identify it and
figure out what's going on because you're used to this roller coaster and
and the whole reason why it is so devastating when these relationships end
and they inevitably they invariably and their relationships an inevitable harm
and the reason that they and it feels so terrible is because it's like you're on
the roller coaster and it and there's no you went up and they never came down one
day just all of a sudden the roller coaster just disappeared
you didn't get the full cycle of relationship the way that would normally
go in a normal break up with a normal person who also has those needs for
foreclosure and for you know they have empathy and they have you know a person
that you build a life with for instance I had been this dutiful daughter I'd
been a good friend I'd built a life with my husband
it is not typical it is not normal for people to be able to take someone like
that and just discard them one day I was in relationships with people that did
not have a conscience that didn't see me that didn't appreciate me they didn't
understand what who I was or what I was doing it was all made up it was all
fitting a script it was all there to meet a need that they had and the minute
that I quit meeting the knee that they had they were done with it you know that
is not normal but it doesn't make any less heartbreaking to the person that's
the victim of it and especially when it happens all at once you know so you know
my case was very very because I lost everybody all at once and
right after I'd almost died which is you know again another reason I share it is
because I figure that you know hopefully someone could take a little peek at my
story and kinda go well when I'm with her as bad but that didn't have a
judgement you know at least I didn't die or at least my and that person all that
thinks all that stuff happened to and she's still here and she's still okay
and I am still here and I am still okay you know let you know hopefully that
lets you know that whatever it is you're going through you can get through it you
just got to keep going just one day at a time come back to these channels that's
what we're all here 24/7 you can watch youtube videos and go ahead binge to
your heart's content empowering those who yearn for more love intimacy and
passion in the relationships and lives find the my ransom notes podcast online
at evening ransom comm join us next time on the my ransom notes Noah podcast the
podcast for newly opening and Awakening hearts
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