hi ladies Jaki Sabourin here I'm missing you I'm just back from my love
in the city New York retreat and I wanna touch base with you and talk about red
flags that make you think twice before pursuing a romantic relationship and so
this is a really important topic because I know that as women we we encounter red
flags but then we wish that maybe there were just a small drawback you know it's
not really that big of a deal and it doesn't really indicate something bigger
so we tend to ignore it or then you know if it doesn't work out we think that we
feel badly about ourselves we don't feel badly about them we don't blame them um
or maybe it's a man defenses you know and he says offensive things to you or
he treats you disrespectfully and then you blame yourself for choosing him like
oh I choose the wrong guy just don't have good choosing skills it's all a
bunch of BS because we have to pay attention to the red flags and then we
also blame ourselves for not ending it sooner we also you know wish you would
have text him back when we should have remained silent or
maybe you know we wish that we wouldn't have gone out with him in the first
place based on how he treated us but what happens is the the desire for a
partner is universal and with the holiday season coming up I know it's so
shared moments that are so special and yet this desire can cloud your judgment
and lead to poor choices right and and it can even make you feel like it's too
much work to start over so you'll stay with someone even though you have that
niggling feeling that there's so many red flags you just want to get through
the holidays because you don't want to be alone and so I want you to pay
attention those deep down nagging feelings because often red flags are the
the obvious ones the abuse verbal or physical abuse are very obvious but it's
the more subtle ones that we miss and so let's talk about the more subtle flags
and I would love for you to post in the comment box here
and share with me that's the subtle flags that you miss or the red flags
that have really really traumatized you and so one of the big obvious red flags
is that they they only want to hang out with you at night or they only want to
hang out during the weekdays if a man is showing up for you on the weekdays but
not showing up for you on the weekends you really need to have to ask more
probing questions and that can be very confusing because it it can be a subtle
flag and I have a situation with the client who she had a man showing up
beautifully for her during the weekdays he was doing things for her helping her
move fixing things around her house and he was being quite lovely and they were
having a very nice exchange and then he wasn't really showing up on the weekends
and so but because he was showing up on the weekdays and everything was seeming
to go really well she wasn't really wanting to confront what was going on
the weekend and there were other factors involved but I'm trying to make a point
that without asking those feelings we ignore those red flags and then what
happens later is we we blame ourselves for that so that's why it's so important
and I encourage you to ask questions right up front or ask questions as
things surface inside of you you start to get those feelings those intuitive
hits go ahead and ask the man you're dating the questions and so what what
she ended up finding out was that after having about I don't know I think it was
four or five dates where he helped her move and she cooked him dinner and they
played tennis and they have we're having a really lovely time finally she had the
courage to ask him about spending time on the weekends and some other things
that might be deal-breakers for him that had come up in conversation and he
confided in her that he was getting over a breakup with the fiancee big red flag
right bless her heart so if she would have asked sooner then she would have
found that out but because things were going well it's hard for us to want to
put ourselves even further out there because we don't want to rock the
oh just in case you know we're gonna be loan on the holiday so we ignore those
those subtle those subtle signs so it's really important to pay attention to
those but now that she has her clarity she's back in balance and honestly she
feels much better about what's ahead because now she dot only has more
courage to ask those question this experience taught or something very
valuable so it really there really is a silver lining in it and so another red
flag and sometimes it can be some list catching them in little red or white
lies right sometimes we say white lies are really acceptable but really are
they well and what is it an acceptable white lie and so maybe maybe it's like a
man telling you that he's gone off line but then you go online and you see that
he's online and so that's really a bold-faced red lie and so that would be
I would recommend that you address that either you ask him about that and then
you'd have to clean why you were online so it goes both ways on that one and it
maybe you don't have a committed to exclusive relationship and so he has
every right to be poking around online just as much as you do but it's okay to
mention it don't leave the elephant in the room go
ahead and say I was online last night so you're already admitting it and I notice
that you were too how interesting and just let that hang there and see if
he'll fill in the blank sometimes it's so hard for us to speak our truth but
don't come from a place of where you're accusing him of anything you want to
come from a place of letting him know that you're aware these online and
letting him know that you're online that could create a little tension for you as
long as you come from a playful attitude you come from love and come from
curiosity so again I was online last night notice you were - what do you
think that means and laugh because you know let's see what he says and then put
duct tape over your mouth don't say anything I'll let him answer you all
right so another another red flag would be there on the phone around you I mean
and this is just plain rude it's okay for somebody to take a call
you know we all have busy lives but if they're always on the phone around you
and they're like hold on just a minute I'll be right with you and you can never
really get in there and create some momentum and intimacy that would be a
red flag because you want to think about how is that going to affect you in a
relationship long term so remember all of these things are giving you clues on
how they do life and it doesn't mean that it's definitely about thing but it
may not be something that is is going to work for you
that's why you want to be microscopically honest with yourself
about what's important to you and that's where the dating platform is so valuable
it gives you insights into what works for you and what doesn't and so make
sure remember that don't undervalue the the experiences you have online if you
have the courage to ask good questions it'll save you a lot of time and
heartache and you won't have to it's more like quality dating than quantity
dating and so another red flag would be would be being flaky you know hey I
can't meet at 7:00 can you meet at 8:30 or something came up can you meet
tomorrow morning and maybe he's showing up but he's always changing his plans
and that's you know I don't know how you feel about that but that can be a little
disenchanting I mean we all want a man that we can depend on so if man's
constantly changing this plan he might be putting you as Plan B like if
something better comes along he's gonna go ahead and go for it because he knows
you're gonna be there and so what I would suggest in that case is for you to
say actually I'm sorry it doesn't work for me I'm yeah that's not gonna work
for me you don't have to explain yourself there's a boundary you're not
in a committed relationship you don't have to clean yourself you just simply
say you know that's not gonna work for me but you know enjoy that and I'll just
catch up to you later maybe we can get together this weekend let's see if our
schedules work and we'll talk more then so don't hang up the phone and be abrupt
and get all defensive that is not what I want you to do I just want you to say no
it doesn't work for you and you don't have to explain why it just doesn't
maybe you're tired that day and you don't want to meet later say let's make
another plan and let's talk about it tomorrow I'm
available after 10:00 I have a median at 9:00 let's talk then have a good time
enjoy bye and and so approach it like that and another huge red flag is not
respecting your boundaries and this is really really a big one for women
because we have a tendency to have weak boundaries and weak boundaries means
having a weak self-esteem so I really want you to work on your boundaries and
so what would be some things that are not respecting your boundaries and I'm
just looking in the Amjad box here to see what your feedback is on this so for
me what would not be when a man isn't respecting my boundaries he is he's not
picking up on the personal clues that's body languages that I'm putting out if
he's good closer to me I might I might scoot a little bit over and then sit
more at an angle to create a little bit of personal space between us and if he's
not picking up on that then that would be of a boundary violation and you could
always say hey not so close slow down you're my personal bubble so always come
from fun and love and see how they take that if honey catches a lot of flies
versus vinegar and that's why I say doing this another way that men can
violate your boundaries is by you know asking you questions that you're not
prepared to answer such as when's the last time you had sex
unacceptable red flag none of his business is when you know it's like what
I would say is why do you want to know that's kind of inappropriate don't you
think and then just let that hang there you know always want to try to bring
some levity to the situation instead of just smacking him down and being like
how dare you ask me a question like that I mean that's not the kind of women that
I want you to be I want you to be a woman that asks a lot of questions and
hey if he gets sexually aggressive with you vote with your feet and you all know
what that means right now and just say you know this is going in a direction
and I'm not going so lovely gossip wine thank you and I'm going to head on home
stand up vote with your feet and get the heck out of there don't hesitate to ever
do that if you're ever feeling uncomfortable maybe a man might ask you
a question about you know what happened in your divorce and so you give him your
scripted answer which is up the authentic answer well we have some
difference in in parenting and we spent a lot of time arguing about how to
parent our children and it just wore me down
and it also wore my children down and I just felt that since we had such
differences about parenting that I felt very strongly that I would I would
probably do better as a solo parent he can parent the children hunkee want and
we'd go our separate ways and stop the arguing in front of the children and so
maybe that would be your answer and if he kept saying well what do you mean can
you be more specific and you're like I think they've pretty specific but if he
keeps pressing and pressing you need to hold that boundary so that's a boundary
violation not okay if you're not ready to talk about something so you're not
withholding intimacy which is a boundary not answering that question that is a
boundaries you want to create an invite intimacy on these dates and so if the
man asked you that question give them a good answer but don't give him the whole
story because it's none of his business and
first of all you don't even know what your relationship with is with this man
yet when that's why I don't want you to give him the whole story leave something
for next time and when you reveal the whole story
it puts you in a vulnerable position and I talk a lot about being vulnerable and
I want you to be vulnerable but not until you you you you discover if it's
safe to be vulnerable and so I know I'm itching my elbow a lot I just realized
my skin's really dry I didn't realize how dry it is in New York so coming back
I really need to do like a big moisture treatment so anyway back to the red
flags hope this is helpful ladies do you have any comments here that I can read
tell me about the sex life when we don't know each other well if it's where the
context for the conversation a little bit but let's talk about sex since it's
always such a fascinating topic questions about anything about sex if
you're talking to a man on a date or on the phone and you don't really know him
or really inappropriate you need to create a boundary you need to let him
know where you end and he begins and and any kind of conversations around
sexuality is going to excite him a little bit it's gonna get him going and
if you intend to charge this guy up then that's kind of teasing him and if that's
your intention good for you but if it's not your intention then he's
going to judge you as somebody who's being manipulative so you want to tread
carefully around sex because it is a hot topic and so a red flag would be a man
that continues to probe and push and ask you questions about about your sexual
preferences and your positions or and just any kind of things around you know
the the sex talk and what you can say is you know for the the duration of the
time that we've known each other I'm not comfortable having this conversation but
you know let's see where it goes and there's certainly not off the table just
it's not a no it's just a not right now so you really need to hold the boundary
when it comes to sex because you don't want to lead men on I mean all roads
lead to that if you want an intimate relationship but it's it's when they
lead to it you set the timing for that and you said it from the very moment
that you meet them by how you dress and how you speak and how you look at them
there's ways that we can communicate whether we're open to having sex we're
not ready to have sex and so you want to be mindful of that let me see if I have
any more my obvious oh here's another one being in a secret relationship or
being in relationships with your ex so I have a healthy relationship with my
ex-husband what does that look like we don't we don't communicate on a regular
basis hardly ever but when we do it's cordial it's typically about the
children it's respectful it's not disclosing too much and it's if not a
consistent thing and so the doors are open especially since we have children
but that's it there's no reason for me to reach out to him
for a question about something that happened or hey around when something by
you so if you're dating somebody or talking
to a man and he's talking about his ex and how they're friends and I did
another training on your bFGF your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend or all of his
girlfriends it's really important to you to watch that training it's on YouTube
and I'll post a link in the box below but it's not really appropriate because
here's why how can you keep the door open to manifesting the love of your
life when you got this door over here still kind of open so what happens is
thoughts about him are still percolating you know how he touched you or that he
brought you coffee and better or he liked your family whatever it is
whatever excuse it is for you to not close that door the boundary violation
and a red flag for you because you're not really emotionally available to a
new relationship when you've got him on your mind and it's hard it is to let go
of people it's so important to do that because we send a clear signal to the
University as much as as good as some of the things in that relationship were
it's over it's over and you need to close that door completely so another
one can open and that is just the bottom line it is really hard to let go and I
think it's hard to thing for humans to do because in the process of letting go
of one thing we don't have anything else to hang on to what are like holding on
to this and so we can then latch on to the next thing but what I want you to do
is let go of control let go of the steering wheel and just allow the law of
attraction to do its things so you have to learn to live in the unknown right
the nones your ex is is everything you've already experienced and the
unknown knows where all the magic is where your man is and so talking about
your ex too much or having a man talk about his ex is fine even if he gets a
little wound up about it I mean we're people we have emotions we have feelings
or feelings get hurt you can get angry so you have to watch that you have to
weigh in and see is this something that we can work through together or is he at
a level 7 & 8 in his anger bitter resentment and I just can't work through
that now if he says I want you to be friends with my ex
because she's wonderful run for the hills because that means he's still
emotionally enmeshed with her over connected to her and it could upend a
relationship with her and I don't care if it's because he has kids he owes her
money they own a house together a business
together if they don't have a respectful working relationship like an employee
relationship then he's over connected to his ex and she's always going to be in
the picture it's gonna be the three of you and you don't want that so run in
that case vote with your feet end and take take off another red flag for me is
a mismatch in intelligence I'm not saying that we all have to be I mean I'm
not the brightest grin the Vox and I admit that I'm good at these videos but
you know I'm not I don't have the highest IQ you know I'm I'm me but I
need to be with somebody who that I can relate to and that's really what I'm
referring to I need you to be with somebody that you can relate to if
you're interested in physicists then by all means date an engineer or a
scientist that would be really fascinating to you or at least be
interested in it or be able to have those conversations so you want to make
sure that you are on the same level intellectually or somewhere in that
range so that you can relate to each other and enjoy a stimulating
conversation and that's why it's nice to have interest that you are both
interested in so that you can share in those interests in flexible attitudes or
another thing those are released you know red flags because rigid thinking
lacks flexibility and we all have to be flexible I mean I just went to New York
for a week with my beautiful women and so many things happen and you have to be
willing to go with the flow otherwise what happens is you're so rigid they can
spoil the moment and and once it spoils the moment it really affects the people
around you so for example you go to a restaurant and you even have a
reservation and they're full they overbooked and this nice restaurant and
you can't eat there did it blowing up and getting all upset about it you just
go you know what let's just go find another place but if that one person is
really stuck on it really rigid like a we wanted to take you there I'm really
upset they go on and on and on it spoils the evening doesn't it's a rigid
thinking black sex ability and it's really hard to get along with people in
the long run you're constantly going to be wanted trying to convince them going
into convincing about how they need to do this they need to do that they need
to be in the moment they need to relax and then here you are you turning into
their mother or their coach or their and you sound critical right you end up
sounding like you're being critical even though you have wonderful inspiring
insightful important things they need to hear but they're too rigid to hear them
and so and so the final thing I want to leave you with before I go is is giving
money to men of any kind the only exception of a say is that at
the ballet if she says do you have a couple bucks sure by all means of course
and book contribute that's five bucks sure
I recommend that in fact I do that with Michael you know wearing the over who's
got the money or the cabs who's got a little bit of cash on the dates that's
totally fine you just bought your lovely dinner go ahead and pull out your wallet
but any other money I don't care if it's $20 or more tell that man don't ever
ever ask me for money I am NOT a bank that's what I would say I would not a
bank don't have bank written on my forehead that's where I would get I
would get busy with an attitude that's where the hammer comes in men do not
need to ask women for money okay that's a big red flag and if they do shame on
them you know depending on the relationship of course temper that with
where you are in that process but especially online dating you have to be
very careful there are so many scammers out there people that are looking to
take advantage of when you're naive and you're lonely and you're looking for
love in all the wrong places if you give a man money and I know that that's
happened to a lot of money now remember one of my coaches said when I was
divorced I did get a settlement and I was very worried about being taken
advantage of and one of my coaches at the time said Jackie why are you so
worried about being taken manager I said I'm afraid that he's going to want my
money and he said are you gonna give him your
money Jackie and I was like no he's like then don't worry about it I'm like right
I'm not gonna give him the money then why am i right about it isn't that crazy
I didn't even think that I could say no I was just so worried about you know
being able to say no and maybe that was it I couldn't say no so Noah's your
power word ladies red flags don't defer to the holidays don't don't overlook
them follow your gut it's usually right or post on my page or send me a private
message if you are not sure about a boundary it's so important to follow
those red flags because when one door closes another one opens and that is the
goal to quickly move through those doors these are like revolving door of men
until you get to the right one the sooner you you identify what your
red red flags are the faster the process goes and the more clear of a signal that
you're sending out to the law of attraction of exactly what you want okay
ladies I'm going to post a link to that um the relationship you want to have
with your boyfriend's girlfriend's in there for you and by the way what
would do me a really big honor if you would like my facebook page that would
be fantastic to you watching my videos and you find them valuable it would be
really generous of you and way to give back to me not that you have to but if
you feel led to please go ahead and like my facebook page and write me a review
if you're feeling led - I would really really appreciate that and make sure you
give me five stars and I'm giving you all five stars for showing up and having
the courage to get out there and remember you can never fail if you never
quit okay I just want you to know how much I love all of you and I really do
care about you and next week I'm coming up with an all new man plan webinar
that's really going to hone in on the three secrets you need to attract a man
that will commit to you make sure you sign up for that it's free and I'm
giving away a free gift when you do I'm gonna be posting the link in that I'm
coming up and I'm gonna put some lotion on because my skin's really dry
okay ladies thank you so much for being here sending you so much love by
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