Hello my name is Alex I am 23 years old and this is my channel
I went out as transgender openly to some of my friends and my ex partners. I will talk about the last relationship i had.
it ended a few months ago. I do not know why I laugh I should not laugh but
I prefer to laugh instead of crying because of the sad thing that I am going to tell you
let's tell the story from the beginning, first of all we're going to
put a name on this girl and why not, We are going to put the name she gas (ERICA)
I do not think there's any way to contact her
long story short, she was a new engineer that entered to my job
she used to sit super close to me, 32 years old and I had 22
She was very strict person and very pretty, she and my other friend from work
they started talking about things like "Juanito, I think he's gay" so then
I do not know if they saw it as something bad or wrong so they were talking about that and I was there and
they said "Well, it was as it is, this is a GIRL talk and we're going to talk about men" and
and i was just like "-.-" I want to go, I'm not a girl and I do not want to talk
about men does not interest me, I was not comfortable with that talk, so i said
"Girls"..I raised my hand and said this .. "I have a girlfriend and I think
it does not make sense to me to be in this talk because I do not like men"
so for me it was like this Talk is not going to get anywhere
for me and I'm just going to feel strange and it will be better if I say
that I have a girlfriend.
Her name is Alma, I have two years with her, I love her very much, I like women, I have always like women
so I never said anything about being trans, I just said that I like women and therefore better bye!
goodbye, and l they stayed like "ah that's ok"
and they had no problem with that, they accepted everything,
I was in an intense (bad) relationship and I just did not leave it, until one day...
I broke up with her and that turned out to be quite bad, which I will tell in the next video
between my friends and Erica
We used to go to parks or parties, I started being her first friend
and then my friends were her friends too and all this time
this girl.. Erica
he began to like my friend the "handsome" this guy "the handsome" with my help
he started to flirt with her and she started to liked him
they started to like each other
And...well I'm done with my ex already I was about two months without anyone
but coexisting daily, nine hours a day with this girl
who sat in front of me that It was one meter away, we ate together everyday
we were all day together, then it was like
nine hours a day / five days a week / and sometimes on Saturdays too, because
we used to go out on Saturdays.
the time I spent with her was A LOT! I did not realize it at the time but...
I think I kinda liked her ... little by little but obviously
in my head never will happen in this universe, never never never never never never
never will happen that... that I was going to have something with her because ...you know
she thinks I'm a lesbian, and I'm not!!
I am transgender, a transgender heterosexual boy who likes women!!
but I knew that my friend had some possibility with her because he was a "cisguy"
BUT ... things started to be super weird... and sad.
Depressive ... for me, when I had to be alone with her and with my friend
things tented to go weird and yeah...here comes all the transsexual and transgender issues
and how crazy can your mind become with situations so simple that
that now I saw them and I say "wow they are such simple situations but my anxiety
my head or feelings, and the fact of not being happy with my body at that moment
betrayed me", then there were situations like for example,
here this is going to make you sad and we will stop laughing, well, not sad but more serious
in which
We went to her house, to Erica's house
there were only the three of us, well at first Erica was alone in her house, I arrived and
a half hour later my handsome friend was going to arrive, then she came to present me with his.. MOM
her mom is an important point in this story because .. he hates me!
but at this moment she used to like me a lot, I was like the best thing in the world
"She is the engineer who is with me and I tell you she is very young but she knows
so much " said Erica to her mom... and her mom as well was like " how nice you have friends like that " and I ...
I was like... only if she knew that I do not want to be Erica's friend or anything
her daughter is for me" hahaha, but obviously I did not tell her that
then it was like "yes ma'am great pleasure " then they started to ask
the most UNCOMFORTABLE questions in this world at least for me, do not know for other people
that is transgender, but to me this questions makes me uncomfortable and they upsets me , like
THIS QUESTION!!
"You would look very pretty pregnant" "when do you think you're going to get pregnant?"
like... the word "pregnant" with me at no time did they make any sense
I never felt that word was fir me, never, never in my life, never never never then
when someone ask me those questions that's like ... it's touching a point like I do not like :C
but i just said "never" to her. Then in my head I said "look, you I like her
she has a nice mom ", at that time I thought that haha what an innocent creature I am
but well, in my head I never think about how I am on the outside ( a boy with a girly body )
well, then for me I said "wow I will enter very well here, in this family. "
Half an hour of happiness was what I had, when my handsome friend arrived, and it was obvious that I
I was not going to draw attention to her because my body is obviously not
what she likes is not a "masculine" body that she would like, then
it did not affected me, but I always felt that way like "buuu :( " anyways she was always very
cute with makeup on and smelled very nice, then this guy, that hat got lie
and hour later... he arrived all "handsome" you know... showered, perfumed smelling nice, wearing a shirt, you know that
open shirts...showing his pecs and his muscles
Erica who did not see any man in her last four years (a man that interested her) , it was like "oh nice"
at that point her mom saw an attractive man entering through his door
who is friends with her daughter, well...the lady's eyes sparkled
and went and opened the door to him and was like "oh how are you?, what a handsome guy" Yes and of course my friend is a gentleman
they saw gold at their door, and I was there sitting in an armchair as well
with a thousand layers of clothes (because of my dysphoria)
just there... like "mmm * discomfort *"
and all the happiness of that half hour and my head doing illusions went
like...
I explode, and I know we should not say this but
in my head it was like ...
"That" should be ME, and not because of how handsome or anything
I should ... my body should look like that, my face ...
and that's when I started "Why me? Why me, why is this happening to me?
Why did I have to be born this way? It's all so difficult for me ...
I could just introduce myself here, I would love her mom and her and I could have
the family that I just got excited about half an hour ago, but obviously not,
That is not for you, because... just not.
the whole night was horrible, It was nice but horrible, because
It was super obvious the difference in how they treated me and how they treated him,
and it was super
marked the difference of how they treated me who was just the girlfriend and
him that It was the man, the boy
Then for me it was all night of "Why?
I would like that. I would like all that, but you realize that ...
it's not like that at least for now or I just do not know, and in my head there was a mental mess
that night we stayed there at her home and they started drinking alcohol
I do not drink alcohol so I was like watching them
she was drinking and he usually drinks a lot,
and i was there... just watching them getting drunk
the night went on and the things were turning more sensual, talking about ex couples
and of boyfriends and girlfriends and sex and relationships but obviously
I was over there, the thing was uncomfortable for me, very uncomfortable
because it reminded me that "I am not a man" at that moment I thought that even i know it's not true
what I look physically does not make a match with who I am.
then it was very uncomfortable seeing that and I just thought
"wow my life would have been so simple if I would have been born
a cisgender boy" well... It was getting late and I said you know ...
I do not want to be here this is uncomfortable for me and even more because she started to like me
and this is going to sound super stupid but in that moment it hit me hard,
and I said well I'm leaving and I told my friend let's move on,
let's let her rest it's super late, and they...
they giggled "jiji" and sent a look at each other and then I said "ok I'm going to go I don't care"
bye, and obviously that meant that they were going to stay there
and obviously they were going to have you know
have sex so I was like... "I'm leaving bye bye" I left and obviously my friend
laughing with that face of "another one in the collection of girls"
goodbye
I left but I got into the car advance like two
blocks, and I stopped...In my head I went back to everything
that had happened that night, to see how the kid (Erica's daughter) was shocked with him, like the
Mom was shocked with him, as Erica was shocked with him, that ...
you know... he's not handsome I just called him that but he is a normal guy ... BUT! he's a man
He is not honest or anything but he is a man and that beats all the others
personality cards that you can have, so
I started thinking all that, I started thinking how ...
what it would be like if I had been born that way, as it is an easy life for heterosexual cisgender people
obviously this is NOT TRUE,
It is difficult for ALL, but at that time I was in that sad state of mind where
I just broke up with my ex
because of the issue of being transgender, then it's like there's no place for me in this
in all this... in relationships and love at least not now that I am "Pre everything" (should watch my past video)
And...guess what I did. I started crying
and I don't know if it's sad but I think that I was crying because of the anger
why me? because I did not understand why?
so I started crying, I felt super bad I cried and I got home
and I was still feeling bad I started having very negative very horrible thoughts
about being transgender about the difficult which is, more difficult when you keep
a home, more difficult when the only way to have money in your house is you,
then I can not stop working and start the transition, I can not spend
money in the transition because I have to feed my family, then it was
why why why why why? You put me in this situation of being
transgender, having been born in a family of low resources in this country
where everything is super bad,
Why? I mean many roads would have been more...
simple that this, but life is like that.. and it's fine, but at that time
I did not understood it so I felt terrible. The next day I arrived at work and
my friend told me that he went to his home and that nothing happened with her
that five minutes later he also left and I said to him "mmm but the way you two were seeing at each other... and
the faces that made I thought that you ... and he said "no no no never"
he told me "she is very old for me and yes I like her but I already knew his mom and daughter... and :/
No, that is a lot of responsibility, and I said good ... so you two did not do anything?
and he said "no" so
my attack of anxiety and madness of the night before it was by absolutely nothing for any reason...
Same day I talked to her (Erica) and she was like...
"Yeah I like him, he attracts me a lot physically but I do not like his personality "
because you can tell he's a womanizer because you can tell he's not honest,
that he is just playing around. And although I am very attracted physically to him
I don't like him romantically and well...I don't I can't have you know
sex with someone who I don't feel a sentimental connection with" and
I was like oooh "VERY GOOD, I am glad you did not hat sex with him
I started to liked her even more, we started to got out more, we started as well with the little games
that things you do when you like someone to get closer when we talked
and a part of me told me that "ah you are hallucinating she likes men"
and for her was not a man, here comes the interesting part. One day we had
another party at her house as well as the last time i was telling you about
At that time my friend "handsome" and she, were just friends, no longer trying to flirt with each other so
Now I was the one who was trying to flirt with her and she with me... because it seemed that way
that It was reciprocal, at least that seemed to me and my head
then we had dinner, it was already late and my friend says "it's already late, let's go"
Like me the other day, and I said yes let's go, but Erica said to me ..
Are you going too?
and I said "well, yes, so you can rest" but she asked me to stay
and I said good, so I stay then
My friend told me "ah are you going to stay? and I told him "yeah well...
She says that I can stay and that we are going to talk for a while", I did not know what wasgoing on
at that moment and finally my friend left, and he was looking me and told me
"Maybe she likes you too, cool"
I stay with her on the couch I was on a sofa and she was already in another one
It's already dark and we started talking and she stared to telling me that she has mixed feelings
about many things in her life, that she is old and should not
have them, and I asked her about her sexual orientation, if she had
questions or something, that I could help her and she could talk to me that nothing will happened
and she told me that it was weird for her, and I told her to please talk to me
that it does not matter, if she was starting to question what she like
Women and men,if her feelings have been changed.. but she said "NO, it's NOT that"
"It's not that, I'm not wondering if I like men and women is not that
because I know 100% that I like only men" and then I was like "oh okey"
it's okay,
Well, it's good that you like men, but if she saw me as a woman then
it meant that she did not liked me, this It's very confusing, I hope you understand me lol
but I did not want to say anything, I told her I was fine and he said "you have something to say to me?"
Of course she already knew that I liked her, and I told her you know what ...
YEAH GIRL!! I LIKE YOU!,
but I know that this does not make any sense and I know you don't like me, because
physically I am a woman and you do not like that kind of body, then I understand it
and I do not want you to get confused or weird, because I did not want her to start
to believe that she likes women, because I AM NOT A WOMAN, so it was like
I do not want you to start doing ideas and weird things in your head
I like you but, you know I'm going to stop doing these things
because they are confusing you in some way or at some point they confused you
you are questioning things, I do not want to bother you,
so you know what...
I know you do not like me and it's okay we can still be friends and everything
and everything cool. and she said "ok it's fine" she did not say "no, I do not like you"
or "yes, I like you" or "you are crazy"
and that's how it was. After that happened, everything got really weird
she started asking me "... and since when did you like me?" and "why do you like me?
I smiled and answer her questions and she was super red lol
I told her "hey you know what, I think I better go now, see you on Monday, so I went to my house,
the next day, I think it was a Saturday because that happened on a Friday,
She wrote me an email
saying that she was very sorry
she wrote me an email because it's the way that she has to you know
write a lot and take everything she felt out of her chest, she wrote me an email saying that
she was thinking, why she did not give me any answer yesterday
but that she wanted to tell me that SHE ALSO LIKED ME!!
she like the way I was, she liked my personality, she liked how I treated her, she liked
how I live my life, she liked my thoughts and my values. She never
talked about the physical things, obviously she did not liked it, but my personality liked her
but that It was very complicated for her, and that she does not think she is
starting to like women and that IT WAS something that could never happend
that does not have a future, that she could never come with another woman to her house
because of his daughter and pf course not because of her mom who is super strict with that
super homophobic and that despite of all that, she did not feel that
she was starting to like women, that She liked me because of the way I was
that was something else, but that she is confused by that... then she did not know what was happening,
she was very confused and I was super worried, that he was getting confused and
she was having many things on her head
and until this moment I have only
told my ex-girlfriend that I was transgender and one of my best friends knows so
me being transgender was something that was not well known for other people, but this person
I had known her for a few months, but my ex-girlfriend i have known her for years that's why I told my ex
but knowing Erica...I felt the confidence to tell her, but this girl with a few months
of knowing her I think about four months, but i felt
I could trust her and I I also liked her and I TOLD HER even if it was by message
I think it has been one of the most difficult things that I have done, that day I said
"Hey, I read your email" and he said "ok and what do you think? "and I sent her a message
"I think you should not be confuse, things are more difficult than you think
that she was not starting to like women
and that if she wanted I could explain many things that maybe were going to
make sense in her head but that these things will be far away for
"normal" or they were "tabu" things to say, so I did not want her to
stopped talking to me, I was very afraid coming out and that she will say at work next day
"Hey, she thinks she's a man" , you know the most stupid things and insults from the
prehistory that they have for the people that is transgender
so I was very afraid, I was consumed by fear, but also by the "love" that I had
for her, the love that she had for me and I had fear because I have not told that to
another person besides my ex and best friend, but she who took me so little time to know her but that the last time
I said to someone with whom I had a relationship, that I was trans it had gone quite badly
I armed myself with courage and I sent her a message in fact it was not a message it was a link or
Oh god! I sent a link to Quora,
it's a question and answer internet site
If you want, I'll leave you there down in the description the link to the
answer that I sent to her that was something I wrote, a whole giant letter
about how I knew I was transgender etc.
it was my way of explaining it to her, because I was opposed to writing it again lol
so I just sent her the link and I remember that I sent her the link
and ... I turned off the phone (lol) I hid it
and again I started crying, I do not know why I cry so much but I started crying again
because of the madness that was going on, (drama queen) I did not know what she will say, how would I go at work?
my friends did not know either and I did not know how they would react if it was going to be bad or what
If it was going to be fine, if I was going to have to change jobs
I was very afraid, then those tears were because I was scared and I felt panic
after about 15 minutes I turned on my cell phone
and I saw all her messages, and with all the fear of the universe
I started reading it and said more or less something like this
"Ok, then... you are a transgender person and you are telling me
that you identify yourself as a man.. Although your body is a womans
and that someday with hormones and with surgery you will change it so that your
body and your mind combine and go as the way you feel and as what you are"
and I said "yes that's right that's what I I am but at the moment I can not do it for certain
factors of my life that you already know very well for my family, and because of this
I can not do it and change right know... well that's my story" and she said to me that
"It makes a lot of sense that I like you, because YOU ARE A MAN."
and for me that was the most beautiful message I had read in all my existence
because she did not judged melf, did not say anything bad it just made sense to her in her head
and she said "how great you told me this so I can stop to get confused because
I am not beginning to like women, that she likes men and she will always be attracted to mens
it so just simply that YOU are BOY a transgender boy" and I said "that's the way it is "
and again I started crying but because I was super happy, because she understood, because she hat been the first
time that I came out, that I was a transgender person to another person who
was not my best friend, that I would like sentimentally and the way she support me
and accept it and that it was not strange to her...
She told me that she likes me because I was a MAN and... people
It was It was beautiful and it was the best thing ever
and that day was one of the best and most beautiful days of all my life
wow! there is hope in humanity how nice,
All that was on a Saturday, I saw her all week
obviously already knowing I was trans,
and we get very close and I started to follow the
you know the Flirting game and it was like WOW this is beautiful I CAN
have a healthy and good relationship with a straight girl that never happened before in my life
I had always been with gay girls or with bisexual girls
because they saw me as a woman that's why they liked me
I was in my first flirting think lol with a heterosexual woman who saw me
as a man, for me that week was the dream come true
and I felt better, it was a very good week
and well I think I'll leave this story here for this week
beautiful week lol and in the next video the next week I'll upload it I'll tell you
what happened the next 5 months
thank you very much I leave my social media links
and everything down there
Goodbye People!
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