Why do half of women have fantasies about being r.a.p.e.d?
Theres a wide range of sexual fantasies people have, ranging from entirely unrealistic to applicable to real life, sex with Superman through to banging on a plane.
But the fantasy of being raped, also known as nonconsent and forced sex fantasies, is common. Sexual fantasies let you explore your sexuality, theyre what we use to get off in those harsh, cold wifi-free winters, and we get to use them in roleplay scenarios to make our sex lives even more fulfilling.
But this common fantasy is one that few of us feel comfortable sharing. It puts people on edge and makes us feel a bit wrong. Recent research indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have fantasies in which they are forced into sex against their will. For 9% to 17% of those women, rape fantasies are their favourite or most frequent sexual fantasy.
Its natural if that makes you feel alarmed. In real-life contexts, rape – meaning sex against your will – is deeply traumatising. Its not at all sexy. Its an intense violation that causes high levels of distress.
Content warning: Those who find discussions of rape and sexual assault may find this article triggering. It seems strange that wed use rape as the basis for our sexual fantasies – and yet so many of us do.
And its incredibly important to note that while rape fantasies are common, this does not mean that women secretly want to be raped. There is a huge difference between acted out role-play, imagined scenarios, and real-life experiences. No one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped, and how common forced sex fantasies are in no way justifies unwanted sexual contact of any nature.
Its difficult to know exactly what these fantasies entail, because, well, theyre going on in someone elses mind. But the women we spoke to mentioned that their fantasies of forced sex steered away from experiences that would be close to reality.
Rather than lines of consent being crossed by friends or bosses, we fantasise about high drama situations in which we are forced to have sex to survive, entering into sexual contracts rather than having our right to consent taken away from us outright. Amy*, 26, says a common fantasy is being kidnapped and held hostage, then having one of the guards forcing her into sex to keep her safe.
Tasha, 24, fantasises about thieves breaking into her house and being so attracted to her they have to have sex with her against her will. In both scenarios, the women said they start out by resisting advances, then begin to enjoy the sex midway through. Its giving up the fight and giving in to desire thats the turn on, rather than the very real trauma of real-life rape.
But for other women, fantasies are more true to life. For some its not about feigned struggle, but imagining consent and control being ripped away as a major turn on.Why is this? Why are so many of us aroused by forced sex when wed be horrified by the reality of it? Why do we find the idea of rejecting sex then doing it anyway a turn on?
Dr Michael Yates, clinical psychologist at the Havelock Clinic, explains that there are a few theories. The first is that womens fantasies of nonconsensual sex are down to lingering guilt and shame around female sexuality. For centuries (and sadly still all too regularly today), young women are taught to hide sexual feelings or encouraged to fit narrow gender stereotypes of the acceptable ways that female sexuality can be expressed in society, Michael tells Metro.co.uk. As a result sex and sexual feelings are often accompanied by anxiety, guilt or shame.
One theory is that rape fantasies allow women to reduce distress associated with sex, as they are not responsible for what occurs, therefore have less need to feel guilt or shame about acting upon their own sexual desires or feelings.
Essentially, lingering feelings of shame around taking agency over our own sexual desires can make us want to transfer them on to another body, thus giving us permission to fantasise about sexual acts. In our minds, its not us doing it, its all the other person, meaning we dont have to feel guilty or dirty.
This explains why most rape fantasies dont tend to be extremely violent, and why the women I asked reported resisting at first before having an enjoyable experience (which real-life rape is definitely not).
More often than not, most people who have rape fantasies imagine a passionate scene with very little force, based around the "victim" being so desirable that the rapist cannot control themselves, while the victim generally does not feel the terror, confusion, rage and disgust of an actual rape, says Michael.
The second theory is down to the dominant narratives shown in media and porn. Its suggested that because our media and porn so often show men being dominant and losing control around a meek, deeply attractive woman, thats simply how we envision ideal sex in our fantasies.
Take a flip through classic erotic literature, or even just look at the covers, and youll be confronted by strong men grabbing weak, swooning women.
Although rarely do these novels portray rape or sexual assault explicitly, they do play into the idea of a female sexual role as succumbing to the dominant role of male sexuality, notes Michael. One whereby men can act upon their sexual urges at the point they choose (with the female having little power to object).
So that might be the why – but what about the who? Does having fantasies about being raped mean anything about us? Are certain types of women more likely to have fantasies of being raped?
As with most sexual fantasies, its really not something to panic about. Just as having fantasies about being a princess rescued from a castle doesnt mean youre desperate to quit your job and become a royal, fantasising about nonconsent does not in any way mean that you want to be raped in real life.
Lets repeat that: Women who have fantasies of rape do not want to experience real-life rape. Fantasies are not permission to do such a thing, and what people find erotic in their minds can be deeply distressing when played out in reality. Having fantasies about being raped also doesnt mean youre pro-rape or a terrible feminist. It doesnt mean anything about who you are, actually, and as long as youre enjoying those fantasies in your mind, theres no cause for concern.
There is no evidence that fantasising about forced-sex (or any other type of sex) says anything about our personalities, mental health or wider sexual preferences, Michael says.Those that fantasise about rape are no more likely to want to act upon this fantasy than anyone else [4], nor are they more likely to become a victim of rape or sexual assault.
One recent study has shown that the women who reported the most rape fantasies were also the most sexually open and self-accepting. These women also had the most consensual sex fantasies. Forced-sex fantasy may in fact be a product of a more open and exploratory approach to sexual ideas more generally, and reflect a willingness to tolerate a whole range of sexual desires as part of a varied sexual life.
Youre also no more likely to experience rape fantasies if you have been a victim of sexual assault or rape – fantasies can come up for anyone, at any time in their lives – and its crucial to note that experiencing fantasies of rape does not mean that their real-life experience was in any way less traumatic.
A rape fantasy can be accompanied by feelings of shame, confusion and guilt, Michael notes. For some it can lead to a belief that they either wanted the abuse to happen or that they enjoyed it in some way. This is never true, and in no way makes the trauma of what happened less valid.
Even if these fantasies happen before or after a sexual assault, they bear no relationship to the act of sexual violence, and in no way take away the reality and the validity of the crime that was committed. Its important to understand your own feelings around fantasies of forced sex. If youre enjoying them and are free of any guilt or discomfort, you dont need to worry – fantasies of being raped are, as we mentioned, entirely normal and very common.
But if these thought feel intrusive, out of control, or distressing, theyre no longer fun sexual fantasies – theyre an issue which needs resolving. For women whove experienced sexual assault, what start out as sexual fantasies can morph into overwhelming, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts, taking place not by choice but when triggered.
For some it can lead to feelings or dissociation and difficulties with intimacy with partners, says Michael. This could be a sign that these fantasies are triggering a trauma response that is not in your control. This means these experiences cease to be fantasies which we can enjoy and manage, and instead become part of a wider post-traumatic stress response.
If you are experiencing this in any way, it is important that you seek advice and support from a trained psychologist or mental health professional. If youve established that your fantasies are just that – sexual fantasies well within your control, that you find arousing, not distressing – you should feel free to enjoy them.
While most of us will be happy to keep them to ourselves, others may want to explore forced sex in a consensual setting. Thats where the boundaries between real-life rape and fantasies of forced sex can become a little blurred, so its absolutely crucial to be clear about personal comfort areas, enjoyment, and consent.
For those who chose to incorporate these fantasies into sex with a partner(s), the setting of clear boundaries and ground rules is crucial, advises Michael. Before you talk with others about a forced-sex fantasy, it is important that you consider what you will be willing to participate in and how you would like this to be played out in the sexual experience.
Consider what you want to other person to do and the acceptable limits of their behaviour also. Think about how you can give your consent to any rule changes if they do occur as the sexual experience develops, and everyone needs to know what explicit consent will look and sound like.
It is vital that everyone involved is clear about when to stop, and that you can all communicate clearly if you want the experience to end prematurely. Essentially that means an in-depth discussion beforehand about what youre up for and whats off limits, whether thats anal sex, forced oral, or excessive force.
Create a safe word that means that whatevers happening, you stop immediately. The minute youre experiencing any distress, dissociation, or anxiety, you need to stop right away. Be mindful that if youre engaging in nonconsent play, there could be some confusion over safe words.
What would normally be a sign to stop may be read as part of the fantasy, so its essential to determine which words are part of the fantasy and which one means your partner must stop what theyre doing. If you cant trust someone to take your safe word seriously, dont have sex with them.
And if you find that your fantasy has brought up trauma when played out in real-life, talk to a trained mental health professional to work through things and ensure you can get comfortable with sex again. Its fine for fantasies to be things you keep to yourself and only enjoy in a solo setting where youre entirely in control. Its entirely normal to find something arousing when its played out in your mind but upsetting in real life.
Dont panic, dont judge, and treat your mind as a safe space to explore your sexuality in whatever way you fancy.
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