So now we turn to this idea of you know guarding ones privates within marriage before young
man gets married in our times nowadays you know they've watched a few movies here and
there before they make tawba and they became religious and they have this idea of what
love is what marriage is and you know brothers come up to me all the time brother man I gotta
get married man you know as though like in their head once they get married all their
temptations are just gonna poof disappear and life is gonna be bliss and we're gonna
read Quran together you know and you know it's gonna be just a spiritual experience
right and there's this this fantastic view of what marriage really is those of you that
are married are probably not even laughing right now because what is he talking about
because you don't even remember feeling that way right so yeah you know it's many at times
you do run into a brick wall because what is what is shown to us about marriage our
idea of marriage especially the modern mind whether Muslim or otherwise the modern idea
of love and companionship and a man and a woman together the idea of it is basically
the same as dating okay and dating means you have all the fun and when things get difficult
you walk away that's what dating is right so what we actually when we think of marriagemen
brothers and sisters even when they think of marriage they're thinking of the aspects
of marriage that are like dating but you know there's a lot more to marriage than dating
right there's the bills and there's the chores and then there's you have to you have to learn
to live with another person which is very difficult you do things your way she does
things her way and now there's a towel hanging the wrong way or the toothbrushes in a different
place or you know something that there's a little too little sugar in your coffee or
something or little things start adding up and start in the beginning I loved her too
much I'm not gonna say anything I can handle this but a couple of years later it starts
piling up and you're like again with the sugar you know and it starts adding up now this
doesn't happen in dating because you're tired of this girl what did the next one or she's
tired of you I I think you know I I don't want to deal with your smell anymore I'm out
you know it's just walk away from it but marriage is a serious commitment and you know the terminology
used in Quran is very strong you know the ihssan in Arabic it's the the word used for
putting someone inside a fort like a military camp the idea of that is there enemies outside
once you're inside this military facility you're safe right so women are told are described
as women are our females that have been put inside the camp of protection and who's protecting
them the husband is from everything from sadness from difficulty from shamelessness in terms
of ignorance he's protecting them he's giving them an education is protecting them in every
single way and the one who wants to get married Allah describes him there are men who have
the intention of bringing women into this fort into their protection the start families
not just to get their desires out mossafih is someone who has hormones overtaking him
that's why he wants to get married that's it right so Allah changes our mindset about
marriage but if you marry for the right reasons then you will have a healthy relationship
with your wife if you marry for the wrong reasons and the wrong reasons are I just you
know I have a hormonal problems that's why I want to get married and that's it you know
what you're gonna have a miserable marriage and you'll never be satisfied and you probably
many of you learned this the hard way already because the intention was all messed up the
intention has to be to start a family to please Allah subhana WA Ta'ala to do to increase
the good in society so now the principle the underlying principle in marriage as it is
in everything else in this deen of Allah subhana wa ta'ala you worry about your obligations
and you forget about your rights I know that sounds very harsh but if you can do that I
mean experiment it for six months forget about your rights worry about your obligations what
can I do for my wife what more can I do for her can I buy her a gift I haven't you weren't
giving her anything for a long time you know if she makes a mistake pretend like you didn't
even she didn't even make it right tasfau means cover the page when you cover a page
you can't see the previous page right so if your wife makes a mistake you pretend like
you don't even see it right instead of bringing it up and again with this you know so you
cover her mistakes and you go out of your way to fulfill your side of the obligations
you go out of your way to show sabr and compassion and overlooking and even the hurtful comments
you don't respond to them except with a smile etc etc you go out of your way to do your
part because you know when you start expecting you expect certain things from your wife she
should take care of me I have physical needs I have needs I have psychological needs you
should give me company she should be nicer to me she said smile when I come home from
work instead of frowning at me all the time and reminding me what groceries I didn't do
or what laundry I forgot to finish right she should be nicer to me there's always these
expectations in your head and you know the believer who does he expect from the believer
expects from his Lord right because everyone besides Allah subhanho wa taala will disappoint
your expectations is a universal principle Allah awj revealed the one who seeks the one
who demands is weak has been weakened and whatever he seeks has also been weakened inherently
weak so what so long as you place any hopes in creation you are necessarily going to be
disappointed you put hopes in your boss he's gonna give you a promotion it's not gonna
happen you know you put hopes in a friend he's gonna come through he gave you an appointment
time he's gonna pick you up he's gonna be late he's not gonna be able to make it you
you put hopes in creation you put hopes in things they will disappoint you Allah Azza
WA JAL wants us to learn to place hopes only in Him and then when this attitude is developed
then what happens is if your wife gives you a little you're very grateful because you
weren't expecting anything well a lot of times what happens is we read a couple of Islamic
books maybe a couple of our hadith about the rights of a husband and the rights of a wife
and what the crazy thing that happens is husbands are reading about what husbands deserve and
wives are reading about what wives deserve as opposed to the opposite husbands are supposed
to be reading about what what the wives deserve but everybody's obsessed with themselves they're
selfish even when they come to Islam they learn and they study that which serves them
so for example parents they may not know any Quran but they know: "...and to parents, good
treatment." Surah Al-Isra (17:23) Quran they know that one they don't even know where it
is in the Quran but they know this by heart right why do they know this by heart because
it serves them right the man they may not know much about Quran but as soon as the wife
says a word: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women,..." Surah An-Nisa (4:34) Quran because
it's self-serving now you're not a servant of Allah Subhan Allah Tala you're you're using
Allah's Deen to serve yourself right so one has to understand our Deen first and foremost
is a responsibility to fulfill our obligations so we study and we learn what how do we excel
with our wives how does the wife excel with the husband you know I gave a hope but some
time ago about the rights of the wife and the husband and you know I made two handouts
one was advice for wives one was advice for husbands and I said it over and over in the
khutba don't read the rights of the husband the husband's don't read those just read the
rights of the wife I made a handout for you don't read the wives handout read your handout
twenty brothers come up to me after brother the khutba "brother that handout for the wives
can you give me a copy" no I can't give you a copy because you're gonna go home and say
see this point number four right here you've been missing out on this for six months you
know this and these are real problems in marriage this can lead to a really serious turmoil
in marriage so you want to have a healthy relationship in marriage you have to take
care of your obligations.
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