Islam & Dating ! Nouman Ali Khan FUNNY !!!
So a lot of you aren't married and you'd like to be and so we're announcing
No, and there's a lot of you know
Look there are families that are very conservative
There are families that are not as conservative you come from religious backgrounds some of you don't come from religious backgrounds
But the fact that you're here in an audience like this one means that you care about Islam
And you you even if you want to get married
You'd like to do the right thing right and maybe you're interested in somebody maybe already talking to them
Maybe they're here with you. I don't know
You know, but you're not married yet, so I wanted to actually
First of all accept a reality the reality of it is we're not living in righteous times
Right the Muslims unfortunately are dating. They are going out to dinner. They are chatting it up late at night. Whatever. It is. They're doing
And it's it's happening. It's become a reality and
We have to deal with that reality our religion does not accept something
That's wrong, and so I can't endorse something that's wrong. No. We don't have the right because this Deen is bigger than us, right
We are in submission to Allah's principles
But at the same time there are practical this Deen is also practical like it gives. It doesn't give people idealistic
Solutions it gives them realistic solutions. There's Dena every step
I start study this Deen and any principle in this Deen I come away with this Deen is so practical
it's so it's it takes into consideration the
realistic temptations of people their tendencies their temperaments their
Situations their difficulties Allah did not send Islam to angels
He sent it to you and me he knows who he created
And he knows who needs guidance
Right so if we are if you know there are audience members that are in this circumstance some of you are parents
You know your sons and daughters are dating, and you don't know what to do about it
And how to go about and you're in this strange bind, and it's embarrassing to talk about
Because who do you tell?
You know that sort of thing or your you know your daughter's insisting that she wants to marry this guy or your son
He wants to marry this girl or something like that and she's not even
you know that happens to
Or she's ready to accept Islam, but the mother says to her accept yourself
You know nobody talks. You know they don't know mothers don't talk like that
Mothers hold a knife behind their back and say no bring her over bring her over. I'll give her the Shahada
It'll be a shaggy
Can you act that motion oh yeah, there is the camera again, it was not on the mountains
But anyway
I what I wanted to ask you guys because you guys are that you know I'm allergic to fish so that's why these two guys
are here so
Like what do you do in situations like this guy wants to marry this girl? They've already been
talking or whatever going out to dinner and
Now they want to do the right thing
Right or they want to get the family involved. They want to take good steps. Well. What do they do?
Help him out help that one out over there look you say, can you say I'm kidding I'm kidding I don't see you
Now I do, I just got up and left, okay?
Well, I mean obviously you gotta just talk to people right so you're gonna have to at some point
There's this bizarre delusion
That a lot of times young people live in that you know like somehow
I can just proceed in this manner forward without ever dealing with the situation at hand
You are going to have to find a way to end up
Bringing your parents your family
Into the situation you're gonna have to sit down and talk to them and one of the things I tell a lot of young people
is
And I'm gonna get to the parents in a second, but I'm just speaking generally outside of any type of abnormality
Islam & Dating ! Nouman Ali Khan FUNNY !!!
You know mo normal parents
Like I said earlier in the lecture they love their children more than they you know love life itself
So there's there's an there's a it's not so much about what you're saying
It's how you say it so storming into your house and kind of saying like hey listen. This is what's happening?
This is who it is and this is what's going to happen
There's a way that conversation is going to go and it's not going to go very well
and then there's another tone of the conversation where you sit down and you kind of say that look I
Want to be happy
And I want to find the right person how long have you wanted to be happy
And I want to find the right person and
The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you or offend you in any way
But I really feel like this is the right person for me. I want you to help me out here, right?
There's there's there's a chance that
There's a chance that that conversation might go a little bit better
But that brings me to the other side of what he just demonstrated that
There's another reality
That your mom might be like Norman
That
Parents are not perfect
And that's probably one of the biggest taboos that most have blue things you can say in the Muslim community
Whether it be America or Singapore right parents are not perfect nobody wants to hear that yeah
exactly
exactly, so
It's just a reality and so
That's where
What I'll tell young people is
If you are trying to make things right as you said, maybe you did things wrong
But now you're trying to make them right or maybe Michelle you're one of those young people who are trying
To do things the right way from the very GetGo, and your parents are not being they're not perfect and they're not being reasonable
Then try to find some type of ally
Right, but be careful not to kind of go with your own
but try to find some type of ally and I have plenty of
personal situations meaning very close family and friends
Community members students and things like that whose parents were not being reasonable
I can say with 100%
Confidence these young people they were trying to do things the right way from the very GetGo
They were being right coming correct and the parents were not being reasonable
They instead of just completely flying solo. They ended up trying to get some type of allies on their side
Maybe it was an uncle maybe it was a grandparent. Maybe it was a mom of the community
Maybe who somebody right? Yeah, they did I flew trying to get around the subject like they didn't use me I
Have I have the most amazing stories? I had a mom throwing plates at me. I was like dodging plates
It was amazing
because
The moms like okay, please tell him he can't marry her and I said well actually
I just did there - gosh
I
Was like I can't I?
I can't I can't it's completely valid for these two people to get married especially her father
You know even from the fifth position that the one of the girl has to be involved her father is completely on board
I've spoken to him on the phone. He's completely down so
He actually can and I even think should marry her and that was she was like I'll be right back
She came back with a flames, and she just started throwing plates at me to get out of my house. I said okay
but uh
it's
You know so that might be the reality where the parents are not being reasonable cause parents aren't always perfect either
but in that situation
make sure you try to get some type of allies on your side and here comes the little bitter pill for young people if you're
not able to get anybody that can see the
Your logic you can't get anybody to see your side of your solution saying yeah
you're probably going things about the wrong way so and and one thing that I would say and I don't know if it's
understood yet or not but
You don't wait a year to take your parents into confidence on these things either you
Do it from the get-go you do it from the get-go you don't go get emotionally attached to someone
Start going about things the wrong way in a Haram fashion in a way that a loss of them
We're not somehow cultural norms now. See here's the thing
Let's face it here that there is no way to know
For a fact what type of person you're going to marry until you actually married them. There is no way and in fact. You know
Psychologically speaking dating will not do you any favors? It's not gonna help. You know that person more
It's going to help that person make a better impression on you not help
You know them more because until you live with the person
There is no way to completely know them so that's something that is
You know the degree of a lost Panama Tata and things happen and this that's true, but let's face it. Collectively as a society
Are we moving deeper into a marriage crisis?
Or are we getting better because we've loosened restrictions and so on so forth
Right whether it's the Muslim world or the Western world or what have you because there were certain
decency thing the
Cultural norms from a decency perspective that were in place even in the non-muslim world in the secular world
And there is a crisis in every part of the world in this regard so when it comes to the Islamic perspective now we believe
That Allah Spano Tata is the Turner of hearts right we understand that Allah spent as the Turner of hearts?
Don't think that you can disobey Allah subhana
WA Ta'ala do things come with the intention that you will write it one day and a loss of hands
How is gonna put butter on your relationship?
You're fooling yourself. You're not gonna fool allah subhana. Wa ta'ala you are fooling yourself now
there's a difference between two people and even the Sharia makes a distinction here of two people that started something wrong and they
Generally make Toba and a lot of left and ambiguous. They actually made Toba
They actually repented they actually and it wasn't a tobin that was conditional on me marrying this person
It was a Toba of like wow I did something Haram a stuff fit Allah
Let me now go and approach this right. It wasn't fine mom dad
I'm sorry
But I still need to marry that person and that's the only way that it's going to happen you have to take them into consideration
From the very beginning and when parents are unreasonable. I will say this as well
You learned this the hard way sometimes very later on much later in your life, but your parents are not seasonal
The whole world will turn their backs on you before your parents turn your back on their backs on you
And you will learn that the hard way right many many times in life with friends sometimes with spouses with
whoever made with Messiah with your teachers
with your closest friend
You will find that other people will be seasoned a lot of times your parents will never be seasonal
They will know even when your parents say
I'm not going to talk to you because you've decided to go for it with this. They don't really mean it
Right they're saying that as a threat hoping that you'll realize
Islam & Dating ! Nouman Ali Khan FUNNY !!!
Recognize the situation now when parents are wrong when they're dead wrong and when they're standing in the way of something that is Haddad
Something that is completely pure something that's been pursued in the right way then at that point
There is the option in Islam to override them through a particular process
But even then you have to ask yourself if it's worth it even
Then if you have to ask yourself if it's worth it, so I haven't talked questions or both of you
Have a hard question for both you. Okay. There are people in the audience
inshaallah they're not but there are people in the OMA that are dating for a long time a year two years three years and
The first advice that comes in my head is just get married doesn't matter who says what?
Because you're not you're clearly not gonna let each other. Go you don't I completely disagree. That's setting them up. That's giving a temporary solution
You'll make them happy for now, but their relationship is going to fall apart look
I I do marriages and divorces up and I mean I've been doing it for ten years personally and
most of the time when when we gave in and said okay fine
Just let them get married. They were divorced within three months because they've already gotten past all the rosy part of the relationship
What I would say instead is that you have to step back and see and find see-cret rational advisors like chef optinmonster said
That will let you know if whether or not
This is a good idea or not and if it's a good idea
and if the if the
Fundamentals are there and the foundations are there and you can work through and so on so forth
Then it's better to make it's better for you. Not to make a long-term
Mistake something that's going to damage you for the rest of your life
Just because you made a short-term mistake, and it's gonna hurt you to get away from that Montara cachet
And then learn about the law of vitamin you leave something for a lot lost pants
I gives you something better than that so look if you've been in a relationship for a very long time
And you really feel bad you want to make Toba take a step back ask Allah sincerely for forgiveness then try to approach it
Rationally seek advice from people whether or not you think this can be a good marriage or not going forward
Don't try to just take the pill that's going to make you feel good now and let you get married and then everything falls apart
Because you did not marriage is a rational decision marriage is not an emotional decision it is supposed to be a rational decision
It's not supposed to be an emotional decision so that's the point here you look for compatibility
What is the main reason that people fall apart in relationships compatibility correct lack of compatibility?
you look for compatibility you can't find that if
I'm just gonna stop
You
Cassis you can't determine whether or not a person is
Compatible if the only thing you've seen are roses and nice restaurants and sneaking off into movie theaters and having
Conversations where half of the conversation is just fluff no
it's it's
Yeah, which when you're when you're in the situation you're basically blinded by your own emotions
And what's going on right so what you're saying is like we see this in any situation you bring in a fresh set of eyes
You bring in a fresh different outsider's perspective
We'd say we know that in business all the time you bring in a consultant. Who's not in the company right who can
It's not it's not but there are certain human realities right and the human reality about when you are in
When you are in an experience when you are
Experiencing it at that moment
You just there there are certain blinders that you have on you're just not being able to see the big picture
Here's the thing here's why I disagree with both of you, and that's I'm totally okay with disagreeing with people I have learned to
Revel in disagreement. I am it is my dessert
So how many marriages and divorces have you done Oh
Go ahead about Norma I
Was I knew you when I used to eat the adult meal and used to get the Chuckie Cheese meal
Happy Meal toy at McDonald's and then used to look at this guy's a child
Anyway
so
What was I saying yes?
I think if there are people that are in and like a religiously non-sanctioned
Relationship that are dating, and I specifically mentioned there and involved in this kind of a relationship for years
my argument and my problem is that these people are emotionally invested in each other and
They have spent quite a bit of time together
Right or wrong they've already done that my personal problem is why does some other man?
Why should this be some other man's fault that his now wife
Has emotionally already invested herself in someone else?
Who's not gonna leave her head any time soon?
And this is gonna be a problem later later on like they almost almost like they deserve each other at this point
Like this is my thinking about this problem, and maybe they don't get married fine
But at least they should be given the option
To pursue this if you want to add the rational element to this too
They were never a tional I can wait how do we agree that it's not black and white it's show us by case situation
Sure, this is a case by case situation, but this this is that the problem becomes with these families
They say well. You can marry you anything you want not hurt
That's the what well
no, that's still very much a possibility and
Yeah, I don't disagree with you there. Well. I think we're talking about two different issues
I think that as far as the family's concern the family has to kind of resign themselves to the reality at this point that these
Two individuals are so emotionally invested into each other that they're gonna be useful
Useless to any other human being actually they're gonna destroy somebody else's life
No, no, so I think from the family perspective. That's fine
I think what we're talking about is those two individuals themselves they just have to understand that the premise this amazingly solid
Foundation that they think that their relationship is built on is actually really flimsy and very superficial
That's what we're just saying
So maybe you're saying that if they're gonna fail you have to sometimes kind of let people fail to know that they made a mistake
How many people actually end up marrying their first crushes or end up marrying the person?
That they thought was going to be there
You know Prince and shining armor and that was going to be their you know how many people end up actually
Going forth with that marrying that and end up in happy marriages. It's a very small portion of
Humanity not. Just very turbulent relationships, and what happens is one of the things that a loss of Hananiah tries to protect us from
with the and I don't even want to call them restrictions because a tusla Phoenicia any baha the
Basis of all things in study is that it's permissible unless it's proven to be
How long but one of the reasons why I lost Ponta directs us in this way is that our?
interactions before marriage
Should be in a way
That it is as rational as possible that the position that we're taking that there is that when we're deciding to go into this
Life long commitments the average divorce rate worldwide now is 48 percent in America
It's close to 60 percent that
Is going to happen it's inevitable there was divorce those are skewed because like 50 percent of the population
Doesn't even believe in marriage anymore
It's only 50 percent of people get married and 60 percent of them end up divorced right so the numbers are actually
catastrophic and then 30 percent do this in 20 percent going and then 10 percent and then
So it's very natural I was just doing math, okay, but
No, so you're talking. I understood about 3.2 percent of what you guys
I'm just saying the reality is only 30 percentage of people in America are married. That's it
That's so so there's the extreme of which we were taught was ideal Islam, which I've heard many times
I've heard and I'm sure you've heard this as well parents that will tell their children. I married your mom without even seeing her
right
Or we did or we or we you know we didn't we didn't even know each other and have the lot worked out
Islam & Dating ! Nouman Ali Khan FUNNY !!!
But they're miserable and so long right. There is a sin enough precedence here the son is very loose term
They send the precedence of this as people should
people who want to get married
Should talk to each other not ask each other what your favorite color is or what's your favorite song?
Or you know do you like long walks on the beach too and no, but like I actually have serious conversations about compatibility
Should actually sit down and discuss things within a controlled environment where their emotions cannot get the best of them
And that's the whole purpose of not allowing absolute, Halawa absolute seclusion because when you're in it. That's why I lost contact
It's called the spider's web
And I'm kamut right lost panatar describes as the most flimsy of houses when you're in a spiderweb when you're caught
You're caught. You can't see outside of it
It's the most flimsy of homes, but a bug that's caught inside of it right is not getting out
Why because you can't see past its?
You think that that's your reality and you've resigned yourself to that and it's irresponsible for everyone to say okay fine fine
Go ahead go ahead. Go ahead and ruin your life. No if it's something that
Because you're talking about parents that stood in the way of something that was undone that they were not
justified in doing so that's where the Imam comes in or that's where someone comes in or an ally comes in and says to the
Parents you need to chill you need to calm down it happens it at least. It's a Muslim at least
It's someone that you know that at least they pursued each other for the right reasons yes
Maybe because of the circumstances they they thought it would be an innocent phone call they ended up talking too many times
They ended up meeting a few times and so on so forth
But there was still some level of contents and let me hold back for the sake of a loss of pounds on
That point you act as a facilitator
At that point you act as a facilitator
But it's not black and white and at the end of the day
We need to understand that when we go through a relationship after relationship after relationship up
We're killing our own ability to have meaningful relationships
Allah does not want that for us. It's not healthy for us to go through
Relationship after relationship after relationship and be broken down over and over and over again to where when we go into our
Seventh eighth relationship and say this is the one we already are questioning
And we're already you know we're already we already have the sense of paranoia that there's no way that it's going to work out
We've already lost our own capacity to love so try to pursue things as right as you can and then when people
Stand in the way in a wrong fashion
That's when you resort to those other protocols now
If you are what the reality if you've been in a relationship for a very long time
The first thing you need to do is what?
The first thing you need to do is disengage Toba. You need to ask Allah for forgiveness
The first party you should be concerned with in anything that happens in your life as a Muslim as a believer is
What does Allah think about this what have I done to offend Allah, subhana, WA Ta'ala?
The first thing you need to do is seek forgiveness seek forgiveness
Sincerely from a loss of a no inside no matter what the outcome of this situation is as tough in Allah. I've messed up
Oh, Allah, guide me to what's best for me. I've messed up because then you you bring back the battle couple awesome, huh?
No, it's out of the earshot that guidance from allah subhana
Wa ta'ala in your direction in life, but when you take that out of the equation
Then it's always gonna be you know you're all it's it's always gonna be risky
No matter what but you make it so much more
risky
And you're still not going to pursue a path of buttercup i'm going to conclude this session with a Dada that Allah allows all of
The young people here, and the all the unmarried here the blessing of a good
you know
permissible and
sustained and healthy and nurturing and half
Marriage, and I pray that allah azzawajal gives
Islam & Dating ! Nouman Ali Khan FUNNY !!!
You know the parents happiness
Within the marriage of their children and the children happiness in the marriage to each other and love provides them with
Rice righteous children that can carry the flag of Assam in the future insha'Allah Allah
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